reflections:-

one word: Relationships.


this word doesnt really mean BGR, rather, it means my relationships with everyone. perhaps, there are some words that i've felt might have hurt anyone of u. but please do not take it to heart. im just feeling real down now and really need to pen down my thoughts.


well, eversince i've entered poly, life werent the same anymore, i've moved on to the next stage of life which is tertiary education and felt that it was really hard to adapt. since the day when i've alr made my choice of not going into a JC, i should have stick on. but somehow or rather, my friends in JC seems to be happier with their friends and many have gotton their promotions and im happy for them. and here i am stuggling in the reality of life, which in my opinion, many of my Jc friends have not experience it yet. JC in my opinion is very much like secondary school, where u have to wake up real early to attend school, and have friends and teachers to help u out with work. circles of friends are quite fixed and it's really ok.

After spending my whole of sem 1 in poly and now half way through my second sem, i feel that it's time to me to voice it here. Poly on the other hand is very much different, and i feel that im alone. yes, i mean though my classmates are ok, but somehow or rather, it's like hi-bye friends. i mean, i dun really hang out with them as much as i do with my sec school friends. not to say classmates, even cca friends. i have tried really hard to mix in with everyone around me. and yes, i mean everyone, but somehow, i have this feeling that i dont belong here. not that i dread going school everyday, it's just that people can be really nice to you and all on the surface, but yet, behind it all, im not sure how well i have fare as a friend? am i good, average or am i plain sux. afterall, people coming from all very different background have different opinions about every single thing. i dun know. i really dont.

i've changed. im not wat i used to be like. the funny, happy-go-lucky girl. im introvert now. i dun really tell anyone about how i feel anymore, even with really close friends, like jannah, hiqmah, iylia and even my dear darling. i just dont know how to tell them wat am i experiencing. i tried to, but something just stucked inside that will never be out. i dont wan to be like this. end of the day, i'll still be smiling on the outside and say im really fine, dont worry, but inside, im crying like mad.

i tried asking some of my friends how are they in ngee ann, like christopher, he told me that ngee ann was never better than days that we have spent in MI, that's definately true. at lease, im really happier in MI, at lease, i have classmate to really turn to.

i remembered there was once when i sat down with this one art friend, and talked about some ideas for his upcoming project. something that when on vividly in my mind was this: he told me that he have this concept for his previous project that is, using numbers as examples. as u keep on multipying numbers consantly on a calculator, u will realised that the numbers just get more and more complicated. and that's how human behave too isnt it? as we grow older, mind gets more complicated. from a young carefree kid to a complicated adult. i was once so eager to grow up and be an adult, so that i can make decision and be independent. but now, i no longer wan to grow up, i still wanna be a small kid so that i will never face the harsh reality in the society.

i cant possibly go around and ask people to listen to my problems and all. everyone has their own problem too and their own life to get on with. i know i cant possibly ask my friends to sit down every night just to comfort me of wat is going on. even for darling. i know u have ur own work to get busy with, as well as friends, and family. i cant possibly asked u to hug me tight every night just to comfort me and assure me that everything is going be ok. i know i cannot be this selfish. and i realised that many of a time, many will sure experience lonelyness at different times.

wat i wan is friends whom i really can count on as we move on to achieve our diploma as well as future degree. i love everyone.